The Cat’s Mother
Excuse me mate, are you replacing her roof?
I called out to the man standing on my neighbour, Horntooth's roof.
I had been alerted by a considerable banging and swearing from outside and had sauntered out to see what was going on.
There were two vans parked across my neighbour's drive as if they were SWAT trucks at a School shooting and on the roof was a motley collection of dudes tearing stuff from her side-roof which, I may add, is not a euphemism.
One of the Roofers with a face like beef soaked in red wine glowered down at me as if I had just accused him of wearing skirts and calling himself Jemima at the weekend.
Just asking because I was thinking of getting my garage roof replaced.
Despite his bastarding unfriendliness, I nodded amiably as if we were old comrades in arms talking about the war.
Aye, good luck wi' that.
Beefwine sneered as he looked over at my leaky garage which leaned in an embarrassed fashion against my house.
So are you replacing her roof?
Undaunted, I pressed on. I had had a few quotes for getting my garage roof replaced before but all of them were fucking preposterous with one chap even telling me he wouldn't go near the job. Seeing as the side- roof of my neighbours was much the same size, it would be handy to know what they were charging.
Whit does it look like?
Beefwine snapped belligerently, his already purple face darkening further.
I frowned, truly this was the shit thing about living in Glasgow. Everyone wanted a fight. You say hello to someone in the street and they look at you as if gearing up for a stabbing.
It looks like you are ripping chunks out of her roof so I presume she is paying you for it.
I tried my best to stay calm just in case Beefwine decided it was time for a rammy.
Not for the first time I wished that everyone could just try to be a little nicer. Was it too much to ask?
Who's HER, the cat's mother?!
Horntooth appeared out from her front door. She was an ancient crone, prone to mumbling things about the government and burying potatoes in her garden late at night.
Hi there. I was just wondering if you were getting your roof done?
I waved over at my neighbour who, despite all her witchy bad-tempered ways was normally an ok sort of person.
He wiz askin' us what we were up tae?
Bellowed Beefwine indignantly as if I had asked for a bite of his sandwich that his mum made for his lunch.
Whit ye askin' them what they're doing for?
Horntooth looked from the guys on the roof and then back to me. Her face crouching into itself with suspicion.
Look, I was just fucking asking if they were doing your roof so I could get a rough idea of the price for my roof there. That was it. Fuck sake.
An exasperated note of crotchety was creeping into my voice and I felt the angry vein on my forehead start to throb. He wants to know how much is in your purse! Beefwine cackled victoriously having now dragged money into it in that most Scottish of ways. Ma purse? How? Whit business is it of yours how much it is? I can afford it. It's nobody's business but mine. Horntooth agitatedly paced about her driveway as if I had scattered bread on it and she was a hungry bird. Fucking hell, never mind!? I stomped away growling mean things under my breath. Bloody Scottish folk, they can be a right bunch of gnarly bastards. Shaking my head, I entered my front door only to stop as someone called out. I turned to see the mailman, letters in hand and a cheery smile on his face. What was that all about? He asked good-naturedly. Never fucking mind mate. I took the letters from his outstretched hand and slammed the door on him. See, a right fucking gnarly bunch.
The angry vein is a fearsome thing to behold. Some have said it makes my forehead resemble a bad-tempered penis. Gits.
He wants to know how much is in your purse!
Beefwine cackled victoriously having now dragged money into it in that most Scottish of ways.
Ma purse? How? Whit business is it of yours how much it is? I can afford it. It's nobody's business but mine.
Horntooth agitatedly paced about her driveway as if I had scattered bread on it and she was a hungry bird.
Fucking hell, never mind!?
I stomped away growling mean things under my breath.
Bloody Scottish folk, they can be a right bunch of gnarly bastards. Shaking my head, I entered my front door only to stop as someone called out.
I turned to see the mailman, letters in hand and a cheery smile on his face.
What was that all about?
He asked good-naturedly.
Never fucking mind mate.
I took the letters from his outstretched hand and slammed the door on him.
See, a right fucking gnarly bunch.
I expect you have translated some of this as to my sassenach ears it probably would have sounded like a fight between an angry cat and an ostrich. What is it with Glasgow? I've spent a lot of time in Edinburgh and people there all sound friendly.
Steve! How dare you? The Edinburghese are a bunch of jacked up popinjays! We hate them. Because... Well, I cant think why but we do.
Not really! There is quite a rivalry. They also tend to look down their nose at Glaswegians which might explain our animosity.
It does tend to sound quite squawky as this mornings needless nonsense no doubt did. I had to tone down the slang as it would have been unreadable :OD
LOL! Must be something in the water (which is slightly yellow and smells a bit).
That's english water. We have fresh clear non-sewage water up here :OD !LOL
One eats too long, the other longs to eat.
@steevc, I sent you an $LOLZ on behalf of @meesterboom
Use the !LOL or !LOLZ command to share a joke and an $LOLZ
I think it's more to do with your peat. Mind you, not as smelly as the water in the New Zealand Maori village we visited that is built on hot springs. The locals say they don't notice the pong.
People get used to stenches really quickly to the point they just don't notice. At least, that's the only rationale I can come up with for how Edinburgers can stand to stay in their city ;O)
View or trade
Hey @meesterboom, here is a little bit of
BEERfrom @steevc for you. Enjoy it!
Do you want to win SOME BEER together with your friends and draw the
A face only a mother could love. Beefwines, of course.
I know that vein. The forehead one, of course.
Thankfully the forehead one. Its a big ole throbber!
His face was like a giant purple balloon made of meat!
It just doesn't pay to try to get info out of some people. He was obviously being egg headed lol. Maybe he will roll off the roof and crack his knob. I don't fancy Horntooth either....she sounds like she should have been pushing up daisies ages ago lol
She is very very old. I think to the stage where she simply doesn't give a fuck about anything. She can be fairly pleasant at times. Although she is getting a bit forgetful. She will probably be nice as pie next time I see her, lol!
I have no idea about the roofy ones though. You think they would have been all nicey nice at the idea of getting some more business!
LOL I think you just described me LOL
Damn, I just noticed you're rep of 80!! Outstanding...is that recent or have I just missed it due to my old age?? lmao
Lol. That's peakd just lying to get me excited. I am nearly 80 but for some reason it is rounding it up. I would love to be 80!!
lol you will be. I guess it takes a good while in the higher numbers :)
It's taken me months and months to move up from 79.7 to 79.8 odd. It's been murder!
What a problem with the neighbors when they decide to make repairs, and incidentally they do it at hours that are not appropriate or if they do not take the time to notify that there will be stormy noises for one to take the measures… You have reason to say about the "rammy" everyone against everyone for being so bad in civic coexistence.
In the condo where I live, the lady who lives next door cleans at night and drags the furniture, I've already had some bawdy conversations with her about the same thing. It is horrible, the lack of consideration and respect for others.
Isnt it odd how people seem to do stuff at night like drag furniture around or bang about as if they are having a pro wrestling match up there?!
In my old flat the neighbours upstairs used to do everything after 10PM at night. It was quite annoying. Then again, I have guitar and many big amps so I think I might have won the making noise competition :OD
That's what she provokes me to do, last night I literally shouted at her "please, lift the furniture" it was 11 o'clock at night, maybe since she doesn't have a husband she gives off steam from cleaning hahaha here thinking out loud...
I have shouted things at mine in the past. Sometimes it helps. Other times they just get even worse!
Set the dogs on them, that's what I say!
I will set the dogs on her, I will🐕
That will do it!
hahahah great the more as it is that the last dog was exhausted from so much running to the neighbors, now it is final I will put the dogs on her, I will...booooo to her
I think you could replace your garage's roof on your own mate. I wouldn't look for a master to have it done.
Here, eye contact might be enought to start a fight 😁
It can be eye contact here too! Nights out in town are a scary prospect at times!
I doubt I could. I have patched it up quite well so it doesn't actually leak anymore but I want it absolutely done properly so I could use it as a spare room. A proper bat cave! :OD
Use plaster for the leaky parts ;)
Plaster? But wouldnt it go mooky and dissolve in the extreme wet? I use this tarry thick layer stuff which after much trial and effort seems to do the business!
Depends on which one. If the one used in a house for painting, yes.
I do like a bit of plaster in the house. I didn't know there were weather proof ones. I should look out for them!!
Maybe it has another name like "white cement"
That sounds familiar. I will check. A sealing I will go!! 🙂
The best is to apply sanded membrane if you have any.
And this is why I world be useless at doing my own roof as I have no idea what that is!
There's the flamethrowers!!
To melt it 😁
Lol. I did think that was it 😀😀
You sounded really calm… are you sure you haven't changed the situation a bit?
I think I would have started throwing rocks at everyone on the roof...they're looking for a fight, well they'll have it loool!
In the end what went worst of all seems to me to be the postman eh eh!
They have a flamethrower!! They really do. For melting the stuff on the stuff that they are attaching to it. We have to go all out on the waterproofing here.
I am quite calm, I am a very zen individual, after ten minutes when I get the initial rage out :OD
Oh well if others have a flamethrower I too become a zen individual... sometimes not actually, sooner or later someone will surely set me on fire!😅
It is good to know the terrain in which you operate, that is for sure! I will just be passive aggressive and accidentally block their van in then not answer the door right away when they come knocking. Its the little things that make us happy :O)
Yes it's true, simplicity is the best thing ... you have to enjoy the little things, even for me they are the ones that make me happy😁
Simplicity is key. No point messing it all up when you don't have to!
You're a myth!🤗
If enough people believe in them, they become the truth!
Ah I believe it otherwise I wouldn't say it.... I will try to convince a considerable number of people!😉
Hehe, yes indeed, get convincing!
That's disgusting, man. I don't understand why some people are so rude. The nicer you are, the ruder people get. You're really unlucky to live there. If you lived in Turkey you wouldn't have such a problem but you would probably have other problems haha.
It is true, each place has their own problems. We can be quite aggressive and fighty but other things are good! :OD
If this video taught us anything it's that you never talk to strangers...
And certainly never ever talk to your neighbors.
Hahhah, that was hilarious. I knew that mother had to get shoed in! :OD
Haha yeah there are a bunch of those videos lol. This is what your situation reminded me of though. Lol. You just can't talk to people.
You really can't, I think this will I have had three or four situations like this where am innocent comment has led to mad spiky replies and escalation
It's probably the lack of sunshine there that has everyone on edge all the time...
I think you might be right. It would explain how when we finally do get sun everyone goes a little more berserk at first as we arent used to it!
Haha yeah. There are a lot of the videos out there now. Lol
Big business! Them videos!
Pass it on ! Right !?
As usual, you make it sound like something worthy of some proper story tellin.
You gotta tell that life like its a story or it ain't worth living!
Crikey, that makes me sound either psychotic or suicidal. I hope its at least the former :OD
Aint that the truth ! I need to learn how to do that, because it's a bit boring around here and I frequently think I have nothing to tell. I need to work on my embellishing skilz.
Well... you're still here, so it must not be suicidal ! 😂
Yeah, I think anything can become a good tale if you tell it right.
I am sure you have many a story that would amuse and entertain!
Oh dear, I feel poorly for the mailman...you know that he probably got an earful when he went over to the witch next door too. Sounds like you have gits for neighbours. I hope that asshole falls off the roof, would serve him right.
Right enough he probably did. That's what he gets for being a mail delivering sunnuva gun 😀😀
The neighbor is often ok but I think she is getting a bit mad in her old age!!
People always act weird around money and how much things cost don't they. Mad money getting quoted here recently for construction jobs.
Aye, it's the same here. One of the quotes I got was 15K and I was like, mate, I can get a new garage but for less!?
Money makes people mental true enough!
Always getting into really difficult situations, with wacky and crazy characters. Incredible way of writing, it is an attractive script with a good literary proposal. Congratulations @meesterboom that is a great achievement.
That is very kind of you to say. Thank you very much!
LOL like the world wants you to be an angry man too! People are so strange sometimes. What happened to helping peeps out and giving recommendations? Plus does the roof guy not want any additional business? Clearly not big on customer service!
If only! But most people are blessed with not much common sense and pretty much just out to sort themselves out.
Have a slice on me !PIZZA
Thats what I find appears to be lacking. The idea of helping someone out or even just being polite and looking out for the opportunity to get some more business. I am weird like that, if I see someone working on a house near me I am more tempted to go with them thinking that they must be alright. It hasn't backfired yet. So when he got all wanky I was like WTF?!
I gifted $PIZZA slices here:
@mimismartypants(1/5) tipped @meesterboom (x1)
Join us in Discord!
Hehehehe i read out everything to myself and i could only imagine Beefwine's mean voice and his face😄
He had quite the gruff voice. Like a troll under a bridge!
I just caught myself responding like beefwine at the office.
Someone had asked for an update on a ticket that someone else had submitted. I have no idea why this "outsider" is asking questions ...
Alas, the Canadian in me won over the Scottish in me and I just replied that it'll be done sometime today.
See, you overcame the rage!
If only there were more Canadian in the Scottish that live in Scotland! :OD
Anything North of hadrians wall is totally incomprehensible.
It's designed that way so we can keep all our nefarious secrets 🤣🤣
Just wait till ole Beefy is using the ladder.. that's a good time for a donkey kick
Haha, aye, ladders make all men equal!
Actually it's the kicking of the ladder that brings equality
Yas indeed, maybe even inequality as you type above them when they hit the deck!
Thank you for your witness vote!
Have a !BEER on me!
To Opt-Out of my witness beer program just comment STOP below
View or trade
Hey @meesterboom, here is a little bit of
BEERfrom @isnochys for you. Enjoy it!
Learn how to earn FREE BEER each day by staking your
This, my friend, sounds like it could be an episode of Still Game. Lol. Really great writing, as usual!
That's the great thing about Still Game, they didn't have to do too much to make the stuff that happens everyday funny!! Cheers man!
Oh man, I'm savoring the episodes. I think I'm on season 4 now. I've heard it starts to get less funny by season six but I hope that's not the case. I even prefer it to Seinfeld. Cheers!
You are definitely at the peak of them. I think after season 5 was when they had their hiatus and it was less funny after that. Glad you like it. What a pair of hilarious old gits
Oh man what a bunch of assholes hahaha. I guess this is the more likely case from what you’ve said the normal people act like there in Scotland.
Aye, assholes and maniacs about sums up the Scots!!
A rammy now? :D
OMG. Scotland sounds hilarious. Now on the bucket list of places to visit.
You have your own dictionary? 😆
Bwahahaha... do you have me under surveillance? Also... send pin please. I want to visit for tea.
And stop coveting Beefwine's sarmies, mate. Tsk. 🙄
What a great way to start the day. Coffee and a damned good laugh out loud!
And now for some art!
Scotland can be hilarious. As well as jaggy and pointy and tetchy but the hilariousness of it all makes up for nearly everything. Not the weather. No, that will never be forgiven.
I like starting the day on a good note. It means the rest of the day has the grand potential not to be shit!
Do not remotely tempt the gods of foisting sh!t on unsuspecting humans who imagine they've "got this".
Take it back! Immediately!
Also. Funny is worth a bit of bad weather I reckon. I'd rather be cold and laughing about it than hot and miserable.
Also. Witchyness and mom's sarmies. I'm in 👍🏼
You do have to be careful with fate. It is ever ready to rain on a parade.
We shall just never let it be ours! :0)
I'm down with that :)
Please let management know as well 👍🏼
@meesterboom, @nickydee(3/3) sent you LUV. | tools | discord | community | HiveWiki | NFT | <>< daily