26 january 2023

Phoe!!! Here I am again; after several months.
After a lot of struggling with myself and the world around me last year, I decided to really take a break from social media and a lot more.

2022 has been a hectic year for me. People on Hive who have known me for a while know that I kept relapsing and then making a come back last year as well, but in the end I was so mentally exhausted that I just gave up.

I started the year 2022 in the hospital waiting room (with my stepfather in the ICU), followed by a very sick sister who spent 4 months in the hospital in Turkey because the doctors in Suriname could not help her. Full of nerves and stress, my mother and I sat here waiting for her return, not knowing if we would see her back at all or not. Finances did not allow all of us to travel to see her, so we had to wait and see. Sleepless nights, but eventually she came back. Not quite the old one yet, but much better than before.

Just when peace returned to our lives, we discovered that another brother-in-law of mine was leading a double life. For us and certainly for me a big shock. Having never had fatherly love as a child myself, I considered this brother-in-law my father figure and I trusted him as such. Yes, I have my stepfather and when he was sick I also did everything I could to help him, but he and I never had a father-daughter relationship. That was my brother-in-law to whom I always went when I needed help. He was not only a father figure in my eyes, but also the brother I never had.

And then one day the family fell apart, after we discovered that he had 2 families for almost 5 years. Not just a little affair, not just a one night stand outside of his marriage, but just a second family for 5 years...And all this time just lying to us.

We don't know how he managed all that and if his 2nd wife hadn't gone so far as to try to kill his 1st wife, we might not have found out. Crazy; when I think back on those months now it seems like a movie. A made-up story that can't be true.

But a story that ended in a lot of hurt and drama in the family. Which resulted in his wife and children having to get psychological counseling, and me? Well, I tried to be strong and hold back until one day I ran out of the classroom at the University crying because slowly the little bit of faith I had in people was fading away.
That was the moment when I decided to distance myself from social Media. I needed time and space to process all that was happening.

But I didn't get that space. In between everything, I still tried to continue my studies and do my best to successfully complete all my exams. That was a little difficult because of the long distance from home to the University. Especially with the economic situation in Suriname, where everything is so expensive right now that some people can't even buy bread.

Then, in August 2022, I got the opportunity to move in with a niece. Her parents had to go abroad temporarily and she could not go with them because of school. Since she is only 17, she was not allowed to stay alone. So I was allowed to live with her. And so it came to pass that I moved out. We shared an apartment together with 4 others. Upstairs 4 other ladies stayed and downstairs my niece and I lived. The house was close to the University and during that time I caught up a lot in terms of studies. I am extremely grateful for that. Just when I thought I was getting my life back on track a bit, there came a day when my 17-year-old niece did not come home after school. After quite a search, she was found again: under the influence of drugs and possibly abused by 3 classmates.
An evening I will not forget.

There was a police investigation and it turns out that there is more frequent drug use at the school where she is, but that the school has never acted or contacted the parents about it.
But the girl used the drug herself and she went with the boys herself and that was what scared me the most about living with her. Investigation showed that she was doing much more behind our backs: things that both her parents and I couldn't believe. Apparently, things had been going on since she was living with her parents, but no one realized anything until I so found out.

The girl is now in an institution for counseling and well, I had to search for another place to live. With the high rents in Suriname, I couldn't find a place.

Many people don't even earn 200 euros in Suriname, but the rent often starts at 250 euros. And these are the unfurnished houses. The furnished ones start at 400 euros. Terrible, considering that Suriname's currency is not even the euro.

After a long search I finally found a room with bath/toilet for 120 euros. I could only afford that. And so I moved again.

And well, a week after I moved, it was already December 2022, I fell asleep during an exam at the University.

I had some health complaints since the end of November, but I thought it was all due to stress. Then the symptoms got worse and it turned out that I was infected with the Corona virus. I guess I got that as a gift for my 30th birthday!😒

I had to go into isolation: for 15 days I was isolated in my little room, where I gasped for the blue sky and really thought I was going to die. I had never been so sick in my life.

Not only did this destroy me physically, but I also have mental issues. I still have breathing problems from time to time now, have trouble multitasking and remembering stuff and I get confused easily. According to the doctor, this will go away on its own within a few months, I just need to work on myself now.
And I do. However, this has caused me to miss several more exams and lectures and now I may have to add another year of college.
This has been very discouraging, but ultimately my health comes first.

I started the new year very depressed because I was very sick at the time. Gradually I am getting back on track: I just started attending classes again last Monday and I am going for more frequent runs to get back in shape.

I am usually always the person who stays positive and tries to learn something from every situation, but the past year almost killed me.

So this year I have a resolution to just take it easy. Even if I'm working longer on my studies or whatever; instead of running after my responsibilities and stressing all the time, this year I really just want to relax and work on my own physical and mental health. I think I deserve that break after everything.

Yes, I did miss writing too. But when you are so drained and have absolutely no energy, you really have no words to put on paper either.

After everything, I almost feel like I have to start at zero again. People have damaged my trust to such an extent that I am now very suspicious. But I don't want to go on like this. I don't want to go on living as an embittered person. I kind of forgot the beauty of life it seems. And now I have to look for it again.

I hope I can soon find that beauty again, and I hope to share them with you all.

For now: have a nice thursday and a good 2023 to all of you! 💚💚💚