Seed of Better
It is Father's Day here on Sunday, which means almost nothing in this household Though, I might get some breakfast made for me. Unlikely in bed, which I don't mind because you know, crumbs. While not a huge fan of these planned "appreciation" events, it is nice to get some recognition, even if socially forced. It is a bit like a school bully getting caught bullying and having to say sorry by a teacher -
It isn't from the heart.
Maybe it is.
Without spontaneity, it is hard to tell.
But, as they say, don't look a gift horse in the mouth. Which means, just be happy it is a gift, without caring if it is a worthy gift or not. Though, I believe that giving a gift in a relationship, it should be thoughtful and valuable to the person, helping them in some way, making them feel better, something they enjoy.
I am one of those silly people that think a relationship should be something that brings out the best in both people, but this doesn't mean blind support. Or rather, "support" doesn't mean constant agreement and encouragement. If a person needs some critical words, then they should take it under the advisement of "best intentions" and recognize that there is probably no other person in the world with more skin in the game and who wants them to be successful. It doesn't mean that what the person says is correct, but it should be considered.
A relationship is an investment in each other.
Many talk about "trust" being the most important part of a relationship, but over the years, I am not so sure. At least, not in the way that people tend to envisage trust. I see relationship trust as knowing the person well enough that with some degree of certainty, it is possible to predict how they are going to behave in various situations. But, there is no certainty, especially if and when conditions change considerably. So, seeing a relationship more as an investment, it means that capital (effort) has to be put in, and there is no certainty of a return.
Conditions change, people change.
But, if we can help each other change for the better and through that understanding, grow together, the relationship becomes stronger. And if growing apart from each other does happen, the investment in each other isn't lost, because each moves away a better version of themselves, with the best chance of moving onto something else, healthily. It doesn't mean it is easy, but when really caring for someone and truly wanting the best for them, and they for you, It is easier.
There is the old story of two company men talking to each other.
What if we train our people and they leave?
What if we don't, and they stay?
It is the same in a relationship, isn't it? It isn't about training, it is about investing into each other to be better for having the relationship. I am not one of those people who believes we should accept people as they are in a relationship, because I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to change, doesn't want to be better tomorrow than they are today. I can accept someone if they make that decision, but I am not going to stay with them. And I wouldn't want someone to stay with me, if I am not trying to be better.
I am almost certain that the drive for people to love themselves and not change,* is planned, because it holds us back, makes us more reliant, keeps us consuming. With decades of the drive for it now, are we any better as a society, are we more accepting, more inclusive, more loving?
No. We are more exclusionary, more violent, more selfish, and far less grateful for each other.
I don't want someone to stay with me because the depend on me, or need me. I don't want them to stay because they feel they have nowhere else to go. I don't want them to stay because they are scared of leaving. I want them to stay because they feel empowered when they are with me, that they feel that they are better when we are together, because they keep improving themselves.
However, it is not easy to be in this kind of relationship, because it takes openness and the trust that best intentions are the defaults for all opinions - even the difficult ones that can be painful to hear. But, I think we our best to each other, owe it to ourselves and definitely owe it to our children.
They learn from our examples. The good, and the bad.
But if they have a personal process of improvement and are lucky enough to find someone willing to invest into them, even bad role model lessons, needn't be a burden forever.
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]
Couple relationships are so different, unique and unpredictable. I know couples who take on 50-50 give-and-take formulas and it works; and other couples who give 100% and it doesn't work for them. Where is the secret? I don't know! Maybe communication is the basis of everything, moving forward or rowing towards the same goal. I don't have children, but I imagine that it is a responsibility that we assume until the end. If they appreciate the effort, good; if they don't, something went wrong. Anyway, maybe I am not the most expert to give my opinion. Congratulations and I hope you have a day full of attention and affection. Greetings, my friend
I think the secret is working together, rather than against each other. So much of the media is about turning men against women and women against men - as if that leads to better relationships. Now, it is about keeping score, rather than working together.
I see it more from a biological point of view than an ideological one. A relationship must be symbiotic for there to be mutual benefit. Parasitic relationships, which abound in underdeveloped countries, are rooted in a cultural history that has been perpetuated over time.
I know families in the Third World where it is the interest in what the other has that maintains the relationship, but there is no love in these relationships. Women who become hamsters, having and having children just to keep the man around. I have not experienced this in Canada.
If we continue to speak in biological terms, men, and women exist to complement each other in every way -perpetuating the species is the most important of all…-.
Yes, which is why this 1 for 1 equality just doesn't work. We aren't equal in what we do, or how we do it. Pretending we are is nonsense.
Indeed we have become an artificial and plastic world. We are more selfish and apathetic. We are not as committed to each other as we once were. The drive is not there for many. Will we ever return in the cycle I do not know.
I don't know if the majority of us will return to some kind of harmonic relationship, but I do think some of us are heading that way now. Enough to make a difference however, I don't know.
I get your point about Father's day. I'm not much of an extrovert, so usually any type of occasion is, well it isn't awkward persay but it's a little uncomfortable, like it's coming at a bad time right?
I think you should always appreciate the person in play, father, mother. Whatever... But what is wrong with celebrating it ey?
Also I do find it weird that the whole world has that custom 😂 I always thought it was something original to us.... Seems not, laughs.
Nothing wrong with celebrating, but isn't it better to show randomly that they are appreciated?
Aren't people you're in a relationship with supposed to accept you as you are and not expect you to change while also simultaneously changing for the better for you XD
The ones where you're expected to change too are unfair and abusive XD
I am being completely over the top facetious
I ama victim of a partner who wants me to be my best!
So unreasonable :D
Good on you. You have the measured wisdom of a good father. I hardly find you disagreeable, but it’s funny because these views could be seen as ‘uncommon’ in this day and age. I’m not trying to say good people are going extinct, but more like the norm might be worsening, the standard dropping.
Glad to be your reader, Taraz. Happy Father’s Day 🤝
I feel this. The average is degrading, with a small minority improving themselves. The gap is widening.
I once saw a quote that said: No matter what you do for your children, when the time comes, they will blame you. As a mother, I try to remember this daily, because somehow it helps me do my best for her. Relationships between parents and children can be very complicated, but I think that if, as parents, we give enough space for love and respect to flow, nothing will be done forcefully, even on these dates. Only accept the gifts, thank them if they feel like showing you how good a father you are. It's difficult not to be able to demonstrate this even when a specific date is required.
Some people seem to think that since they are going to get blamed anyway, they needn't be their best for children. What kind of parenting is that?
I like the thought of that, where we focus on investing in the person as a good foundation basis instead of some other crap. Trust is important but is it top? I would say investing in someone is more because of the implications. It can be highly positive or also highly negative reviews even if the trust is fine. If they don’t want to invest in you then it’s a pretty easy negative to observe.
I think I want to convince my wife to pick a random date to celebrate Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. That way we keep it fresh and light but also interesting and about the importance of the individual. We thankfully never put too much pressure on the day but getting it away from being a Hallmark holiday is a good thing I think.
I have seen some very abusive relationships, filled with trust. It can be unhealthy.
This is a good idea. Dart-board it and just go with whatever - rather than "Instagram days" :D
Dear @tarazkp !
Does Finland have Father's Day and Mother's Day?
In the world I live in, there are only Parents' Day and Children's Day.
I sensed that you were having some difficulties in your relationship with your wife and daughter!
I hope you understand my awkward English!😃
Yes, there are both.
Not really.
I think that not only trust but also respect is the most important part of a relationship/marriage to last long or forever.
Respect is needed more than trust probably. On both sides. How can you be with someone you don't respect, or be with someone who doesn't respect you?
If there are sons or daughters...
Relationships are difficult. I think the most important thing is that each person can be free... it's like putting your hand open for the bird to land on it if it wants to... if you try to catch it, it will never come back. I heard this a while ago and it seemed wise to me.
Happy Father's Day 😍
I think a lot of emphasis is put on "freedom" these days, without regarding that to be free, means taking responsibility. To take responsibility requires commitment, so what happens to freedom? :D
The answer is Employment Bond, where the employee pays the company if they leave immediately after getting training. So for couples, a prenup?
For Father's day, I would suggest you plan at least a dinner with the family. Waiting for people to celebrate an event [birthday, anniversary, father's day, etc.], and they end up being busy for it or forgetting it can hurt. Sometimes initiating it yourself can save the pain, and works out for everyone. People do it for birthdays; "It's my birthday and I want to treat others". It doesn't have to always be a surprise or getting treated. For Father's day, you're a father, and want to celebrate fatherhood with your children/family.
For the relationship, I agree that it needs effort. Trust is important, investing in each other is important. Basically being there, and putting in the work, to make the relationship work is necessary.
Prenups don't work in Finland. But, they also only cover what people have come in with for the most part. The investment between might be a different matter.
In Finland, this is done in the workplace. people take a cake or a bag of candy or whatever to share on their own birthday, rather than expecting colleagues to remember.
Presence. People spend their attention on a screen, not on their relationships these days I think.
I just remembered that I was asked to send a video to say thank you to the men I know especially my husband. All the women in my Church were asked to do this. I totally forgot. Let me quickly do so.
Yup! Seemed forced, but I’m sure I’ll say some things that I truly appreciate. Happy Father’s Day in advance
Will you make breakfast or sometihng?
He isn’t a breakfast person. Might make his favorite for lunch or maybe take him out for suya (roasted beef). It’s really hard to know what to give men.
Hm
You are right. Conditions change and at times, the person who loves you dearly may just have to hurt you because of the situation at hand and that is why I feel it is kinda hard to make promise because we never can tell what situation we will be tomorrow
Happy Father's day
If we don't know how we are going to act under some conditions, how can we expect others to act how we want them to?
Well I'm single and don't have enough knowledge about couple relationships and goals. I'm a student yet and and I didn't want any these type of things.
But I think respect is more important than love in a relationship if you respect your spouse than you definitely love her/him . Attentions are secondly important we have to stand with our family it's a good in a relationship I think
Respect is needed, but not the kind of respect that people give their elders etc - it is different in a healthy relationship. Respect also has to be earned.
A relationship is an investment as you have said and it's better not to expect a return from it! To actually make the better version of each other is a given which should be the goal of a relationship.
I live in a society where ladies feel entitled to men's money just because they are having an affair or in a relationship. It's so bad they demand from their partner with boldness and entitlement, without obviously contributing anything to the partner's life. Isn't that sickening.
A relationship should obviously be about how to make the better version of each other, supporting and encouraging each other, financially or emotionally, it is meant to be a safe abode to run too when troubled.
Critical understanding of each other cannot be overemphasised, it is very important.
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