Public-Loner

I've come to realize that I hate being lonely but I also hate being with people for too long. It's a very complicated life I tell you, one that I wish I know how to explain clearly but I don't, anyways I will try.

_{Photo by Marco Bianchetti}

Today, just like every other day was uneventful for me. I had woken up, done some work, got some food and that was it. I spent the better part of today just being alone and not saying anything to anyone and one would think I like things that way, but I don't. I've always been someone who hates the feeling of loneliness, I like to be with people and talk, laugh and do all the fun things we do with people, but I've come to realize something, I've come to realize that I get bored and tired quickly.

I wasn't entirely alone today, few of my neighbours had sat with me outside and every one of them had something to say and trust me when I say it was fun for a while, but it didn't take long for me to want to get out of there, to want to escape and when the opportunity presented itself, I did. To be honest, I think I have a condition, one that makes me hate being alone but also hates it when I'm with people for too long.

So it's as if I don't want to be alone, but I also don't want to be actively engaged in conversations in the midst of people. I think I'm something called a public-loner (I don't know if that's a real thing) but I've come to realize that I enjoy being in the midst of friends who are having conversations amongst themselves, conversations that I'm not included in but only listen to.

It's weird I know but I've come to find out that anything other than that and my body just starts to itch and before you know it, I'm out of there. And it's not like leaving them solves the problem, because whenever I leave, I leave to go be alone which is also something that I don't want.

Moments like this are times I wish I have an active community on WhatsApp where I can go chat and just pass time but unfortunately, my situation is far worse online that in real life. As a matter of fact, I feel like I talk to more people face to face than I talk to people on social media and I hardly leave my house. That's how crazy the whole situation is.

So yeah, today wasn't exactly fun and tomorrow won't be any difference, although instead of just being frustrated with my loneliness, I plan on doing something productive tomorrow, anything at all.