Not Holding a Grudge

For a while now, I've been working on myself and trying to make myself a better person, someone who doesn't get angered or triggered by little things, someone who let things go and doesn't hold a grudge, and something happened today that showed that I'm beginning to make progress.

I started my final year exams today and although today's exam went really well for me, I got home drenched by the rain and feeling a little bit sick. So I had dried myself up and remained inside to stay warm but my friend and neighbour had called out to me and asked me to come meet them outside, there were about five guys there, all of them were my friends and neighbours.

It was the birthday of one of the guys there (the one who called out my name) and he had wanted my presence there so that we could deliberate on how to celebrate his birthday. He basically wanted to know what alcohol he should get and being someone who has exams to write and wasn't feeling too well, I had no plans to participate in that celebration or take any alcohol but I stood there regardless and said nothing.

But thankfully, I wasn't the only one feeling that way and someone had suggested that we cooked with the money rather than buy alcohol and I immediately threw my support behind that idea but just as the birthday boy was about to buy into that idea, his roommate who was also there with us began discouraging him, trying to cancel the whole arrangement (which he actually did).

At first I was a bit confused as to why he was acting that way but still didn't say anything because I was sick and tired and was just watching the whole thing, but then I soon realized that the only reason he was against the idea were for selfish reasons, because he was a greedy guy who only wanted his roommate (the birthday boy) not to spend his money to cook for everyone but just for the two of them and his girlfriend (greedy boy's girlfriend stays with them).

As soon as I realized this, I instantly became angry and this is crazy because I wasn't even interested in the whole thing in the first place, but seeing him do all of that just pissed me the hell off and I tried taking my mind off it because it wasn't something for me to care about (I'm not hungry and even if I was, I could always provide for myself), something about that behaviour just made it hard for me to forget.

Anyways, fast forward to later this evening and I'm in my room as usual, trying to be in my own space, when I hear a knock on my door. My generator was on so I knew it was someone coming to charge their phone and just as I was about getting up, I heard the person call out my name and guess who it was.. Greedy boy.

I immediately laid back on my bed because by now I had already confirmed my suspicions, I had seen greedy boy and birthday boy walk into a grocery store and got some stuff and before I turned on my generator, I heard them cooking. So now I was pissed and the first thing I had wanted to do was ignore him throughout tonight and probably every other night.

But just as he knocked the third time, I started to have a rethink and strangely, I went ahead and opened the door. The old me would have left that door locked till thy kingdom come, but the new me, this new me that I'm trying to perfect is open to hearing his own side of the story. So the moment he entered, I had immediately told him about how I felt about his behaviour earlier today and seeing how he had nothing to say to defend himself but rather apologised, made me confirm for a fact that I was right about the whole thing.

I ended up telling him that I had no plans on opening the door and that the only reason I did was because I didn't want to bear a grudge. He didn't say anything after that and left after he was done plugging his phone but I could tell that there was a difference, not with him but with me.

All of a sudden, all of that anger that I felt suddenly disappeared and I no longer felt the way I felt earlier before. He later came back to check on his phone and we both spoke to each other like nothing happened, we were good. The whole experience just confirmed to me that trying not to hold a grudge is probably one of the best things we can ever do for ourselves because it gives us this inner peace, one that we can't have if we bear grudges.

_{Photo bydominik hofbauer}