I will be Fine

_{Photo by Nathan Dumlao}

September 1st 2023..

As long as I can remember, September has always been an happy month for me, maybe it's because it's the month I was born. And although I've always hated the fasting and prayer that comes with the month (my family fast and pray every year during the beginning of the ember month), I always look forward to the end of the month, the 28th to be precise.

That is the one day I do get calls and text messages from mostly friends (my family has never been big on birthdays so I hardly get birthday calls or wishes from them), wishing me a happy birthday and to be honest, that is mostly the only day I do feel loved in a year.

I know as a man, you're suppose to be tough and all that but it's gets tiring sometimes. Sometimes all I want to do is cry my eyes out before falling asleep on a cold cemented floor. But I never get the chance to do that because among the friend group, I'm usually the cheerful one, the one funny guy who has to be happy all the time.

Anyways, the month of September was fun up until the year 2020 and no this has nothing to do with covid. You see the year 2020 was terrible for a lot of people, including myself. I had lost my mother on November 2020 and all of a sudden my world went dark. I had only told a few selected friends about her passing and I remember one of them consoling me and also telling me how I need to learn to live with this new pain because I will never get over it or used to it, she wasn't wrong.

It's been three years now and even though she had died on the month of November, the whole of the Ember now feels like shit to me. For the past three years, the moment it clocks 00:00 and it's September 1st, I always get overwhelmed by this depressing feeling and it's not because of the prayers (I live alone now and can decide not to fast or pray), it's because of something far more painful.

I try my best to always get rid of this feeling whenever it comes but I've never been successful with chasing it away. So all I do now is just let it take over my whole body, it's easier that way. After all, it's only four months.

Anyways, I hope that time helps to reduce the pain I feel during times like this and if it's possible, I hope I stop feeling this way entirely because I still got a long life ahead of me and it will really suck feeling depressed four months in a year every year.

And please, my mom died three years ago, I honestly would appreciate it if there are no condolences in the comment section. One of the reasons I didn't tell most of my friends about her passing was because I hate condolences, so please don't or your comments will be ignored.

Thank you.