I find solace.
I find calm
Knowing this was Providence
Though still not making sense
I can't go back and redo the days
I can't change my life
It is what it is supposed to be
I can't go back to redo "mistakes".
Can I find joy?
Is the bad all in my head?
Can what is planned
And meant to be
Be truly bad?
Or am I not allowing myself the joy?
And on and on my mind goes
For all the world to see.
Long exposure photos taken with my Moto Edge. Not as nice as my old LG, but it gets the job done. And a little more fun with a black light.
I wish my words were hyperbole. I have been in a strange mental state for quite some time. Yesterday was like a tunnel, hence my not posting. Although most of the time even in the tunnels I still push something out. I'm a functional depressant. Or is it anxiety? Or is it just exhaustion? That is the nature of my mind right now. So confused yet continuing to make it through every day.
My grandma turned 94 today. I called my family for the first time in six months. She didn't recognize my voice. Every single day is precious to her because there aren't many left. Scarcity makes value. I have the luxury of spending my days wallowing in bullshit mental states instead of living my life to some potential. The more I put off life the more it's going to get away from me.
Perhaps I should call more often, even if I just breathe on the line...
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