Muscle Memory
Here is the last track of "In My Memory", a simple poem called "Muscle Memory".
I didn't realize how much one's body remembers traumatic experiences until I was having a rough couple of days back in April. I was having trouble sleeping and dealing with panic attacks. But nothing was happening at the time to make those things happen. I realized that my body was remembering the year before, when I had held a gun to my face and contemplated suicide. It was a memory that my mind had blacked out but my body was very much aware of. I'm glad to be past all of that, but I have to be aware of what my body remembers.
Here are the words:
An anniversary of sorts
The conscious forgot
The body remembered
Adrenaline and palpitations
Then the subconscious tuning in
With dreams of suicide
And the missing compassion
Of humanity.
But I am alive,
Gloriously alive
And consciously in the future
Fighting to remind my body
And mind
That yesterday is over
And I am able to thrive
Stronger than ever before.
Find "In My Memory" here: https://www.bandlab.com/driptorchstudio/albums/95a73a93-da11-ec11-981f-0004ffd34422
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It's amazing how the body really does keep the score! I remember when I was getting trained in EMDR trauma therapy during one of our exercises how my body experienced physical sensations while reprocessing a traumatic memory. It was surreal, but after I processed through it, the sensations went away permanently. It was almost like my body created a psychosomatic bookmark of sorts so that I could learn the lesson I needed to learn from that memory, and once I was able to do so, it just removed the bookmark.
Our bodies are truly amazing, aren't they?
Thank you for sharing this piece of vulnerability with us, I hope it resonates with and encourages many others, as it did with me.
"I remember when I was getting trained in EMDR trauma therapy"...
I looked into Emdr when my ex was claiming to have ptsd. It's pretty insane how it works, though I have never tried it myself.
"It was almost like my body created a psychosomatic bookmark of sorts so that I could learn the lesson I needed to learn from that memory, and once I was able to do so, it just removed the bookmark."
That is a pretty cool way to think of it. It is so nuts to me how my body will remember things my mind seems to have forgotten. That's why a lot of the methods of handling anxiety didn't work for me, there weren't any thoughts to correct, my body was just on auto pilot.
EMDR is an incredibly powerful tool, and - I believe - the purest form of therapy, due to how it relies more on the client's ability to come to their own meaningful insights than the therapist's ability to manufacture insight. I could geek out about this stuff all day, that's why I went into specializing in it! Personally, I believe everyone can benefit from it. Doesn't matter how "big" or "small" the trauma is, everyone has experienced trauma at some point in their life.
Also, very accurate how it's difficult to redirect thoughts when it isn't thoughts, but immediate subconscious reactions and body sensations that you have no conscious control over that are bothering you. It's a covert anxiety... Like... An anxiety ninja!