Happy

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"Are you happy?"
"I dunno, relative to what?"

Am I happy? My therapist asked me earlier if I am.

I honestly don't know. If I think about it, when was the last time I was truly happy? Sure, there are flashes here and there.

We have nine kittens in our house right now. One of them has what is known as " wobbly cat syndrome". This basically means that her back legs are paralyzed and her muscle strength is limited. It's like muscular dystrophy in humans. At one point a few weeks ago I thought she was going to die, she just lay on the couch and barely moved. But sometimes she manages to stand up a bit and drag herself around. This gives me moments of temporary happiness.

I feel hope, I feel content. But "happy"? What does that mean?

I don't remember a time in my life that I could say I was "happy". My childhood wasn't terrible, but my memories are largely hard moments, or neutral. There was "fun", but "happy"? I don't know the meaning.

Even my wedding day and honeymoon were tainted by my bride's mental illness. Birth control plummeted her into depression and the first months of our marriage were destroyed by chaos. Then pregnancy and hormones continued the problems. There was no happiness.

After that there was 15 years of her continuously telling me that I had anxiety. Money was tight. Work sucked. The house was a mess. She sat in bed all day staring at a wall and no matter what I did nothing improved. I grew numb. My feelings were dictated to me by someone who wanted me to feel as bad as she did. Nothing was my own.

Then I quit my career for her to have her own happiness. Which worked for all of about eight months. Money got worse. Circumstances were miserable. She blamed me for everything wrong in our life together. Then she left. She no longer loved me. But hey, she had a co-worker to fill the void.

Darkness. Misery. Suffering unlike anything that I had ever felt. It would have been easier if she had died.

Then I met someone new. But there are taboos. And she is nothing like me. And she picks fights and blames me and is unkind. I have changed but I don't know if I like me anymore. But when the good is good it's good. I am numb. Not unhappy, but not "happy".

Maybe happiness is over rated. Maybe the best we can attain is contentment. But is contentment just numbness?

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