8/5/22 - Aromantic
I have come to the conclusion that I am just not even going to look for a girlfriend, like for a very long time. I just don't care man. The amount of stress and risk and effort is just simply not worth my time. I recently had an experience that has made me just not wanna bother anymore, straight up. I don't even know anymore. I'm back to sticking to writing and sticking to myself. The one time I try to like even moderately attempt to get to know someone, I screw up terribly. I'm just not ready in any way shape or form.
For just three days, I tried to like I don't know, make a move, and like it was just a mess.
My friend came over and like we talked about it. Gave me some advice, and stuff like that. It was nice to talk to a friend. I needed that. She brought pizza and beer and orange soda. Pretty sweet.
I think I'm gonna start to look for a new job slowly but surely. My mind and body is still too too exhausted and in shock from my chaotic couple of nights.
Let's just say, I got played like a damn fiddle. I made some mistakes that I will learn from, whenever the day comes I try again. If I ever try again.
I'm starting to think I'm cool with just dying alone man. Maybe that's depressing, but I am cool with it. I'd rather be bored and a little lonely, than to ever deal with anything like that ever again.
I'm not even blaming the person I was interested in. I simply learned that I am not an ideal candidate to actually be with someone. I'm just not.
But yeah. My friend came over, talked. She said I need to gain weight. She was like, shocked at the state of my kinda dramatic weight loss. She hasn't seen me in like over a year. She said I look like a bag of bones HA. She said I gotta clean up my apartment. I said why, I have nobody to impress hahahaha. She said cleaning up my space can lead to like a lot better mind state, or whatever. I agreed and yeah, I might actually deep clean this place today. Why not I guess.
The person I shot my shot with and missed terribly, is actually my co worker. I have literally no idea where she and I stand at this point. I might go into work, and like try to just push through despite the awkwardness. I don't know man. I'm just gonna focus on work, be helpful. Be a normal co worker.
I haven't blogged in awhile, so this is a bit nice to get back to normal here.
Overall though, these recent days were wild, I think I learned several things. I can't truly list all the things right this second, but I do know that my social awkwardness is in fact a problem. But I just don't care man, I wish things didn't get so rough, I wish I could take some of the things I said back, but at this point I know who I am and like clearly this person and I weren't meant to be anything but co workers. I don't feel anything writing that, if anything I'm glad a conclusion has been reached.
I don't mind being friends with her, but I truly have no idea what she wants.
I just miss my son right now, he's all that matters. I am a loner at heart. I should have just read a book, than mess around, trying to meet a woman. What a giant waste of time.
I kinda still feel like crap. But that's life. I guess these feelings will fade away in time. Hive on folks.